Change is Hard
Sunday, April 10, 2011
This weekend I had a soul-changing experience. Eryn was watching an online class about Jasmine Star, a wedding photographer in Orange County so I stayed and watched a little of it. 14 hours and 30 pages of notes later, I can honestly say that I am a different person today.
I laughed through this class, and I cried multiple times. A lot of you know that I am a cryer, and may think I was just being dumb (Braden sure thought so) but the words she was saying felt like she was peering into MY soul and calling me out on all these feelings I had been having and not sharing with anyone. There are some things that I have not been able to admit to anyone, especially not myself that I realized I need to get out so I can make a change in myself and my life.
I think the biggest thing that I had to come to grips with is that I am afraid. I am scared. You'd never know it, and I'd never show it; but I am terrified of really putting myself out there online. I've always laughed it off and chalked it up to "not having enough time" and "being so busy with my kids" but if I'm truly honest with myself I know it's because I'm afraid. I've actually always been a pretty good writer, and do well articulating emotions of both myself and other people- but my blog has NEVER been a place for me to write. It's always just been a collection of things- images, ideas, recipes, tutorials- you name it, and it's on here. Everything but my written words about my personal feelings. And I am sorry about that, because I think that I have painted this false picture of myself that everyone thinks I just have this wonderful, happy, full life and never get emotional about anything. Trust me, it's not all puppies, and rainbows, and lollipops over here. But, instead of getting it out in my writing, I just step away from my computer and don't share with anyone and I'd like that to change. If people are going to know the "Real Me", I can't be afraid to be the Real Me.
After I came to grips with this problem I had, I came to an even more scary realization- do I even like the person I am right now enough to share with other people? Again, if I was honest with myself, the answer was No. I'm not happy with myself. I do a million things at a medium level, and never focus on ONE thing to do exceptionally well. Why? Oh that's right, because I am a freaking chicken. I'm scared to commit to one thing. (Good Lord, what's my problem?) My mom & Braden both have said numerous times, "You should try and grow your photography business, you could really be good if you tried". But I've always held the firm belief that I'm really not cut out for it. Yes, for some reason people think the pictures I take of them are good enough to pay me for; but I don't really even consider myself a photographer. I just take pictures that turn out nice.
The bottom line is that, through watching this class I realized that I need to make a change in my life. I need to stop being afraid of commitment because everyone who loves me wants to see me take a risk and throw myself into something and give it my best shot. Braden would rather see me fail at something I love, than succeed at something that makes me unhappy. And make no mistake, I am unhappy. I've tried all sorts of different things, and have never been all that successful, because my heart was just not in it.
So, after crying about all that and making some tough decisions, I've decided to step away from Real Estate. I will keep my license active to invest my own money into properties, and help friends and family with their Real Estate transactions but I will not be taking on any new clients anymore. It was hard for me to decide this because it made me feel like a failure, but I need to accept that it's ok. It's just really hard for me.
Also, I've closed our Etsy shop and will not be taking on anymore custom orders. Any sewing or accessory making I will do will just be for my girls- who seemed to get left out when I'm creating for other people.
And most of you don't know this- but I've been wanting to open a dance studio this year (which in fact is my life dream) and was seriously considering opening in Fall, but due to the unstable economic state since the Disaster in Japan and my decision to not take on any new projects I will not be moving forward this this project until 2012. If then the circumstances have improved, then I will push to make it happen. Until then, though- I am going to focus my attention elsewhere.
So then what's next for me? I have a lot of "Me" Discovery to go through, but I will say that I will be doing a lot more writing. There will still be recipes, and stuff about my family, and other fun stuff- but be prepared to get know me better.
And get prepared to see me grow.